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Poor Ray's Almanac

by Ray Lesser

<p>Strange that a man who is witty enough to write satire would be foolish enough to publish it.- Ben Franklin <p>The man who talks constantly says a lot of stupid things. But at least with the right calling plan he doesn't need to pay roaming charges. <p>Only a fool would make their HMO the beneficiary of a life insurance policy. <p>A rich miser, like a fat hog, never does public good till as dead as a log. (But since Congress repealed the estate tax, even their dying won't help the rest of us.) <p>There are more great Souls who will never be famous than there are contestants on all the hit Reality TV shows combined. <p>Eat to live, and not live to eat. Unless you're on a Michelin Guide tour of France. <p>Beware of the young doctor and the old dentist. <p>A blockhead with a Ph.D is still a blockhead. <p>Distrust and Paranoia are the parents of Homeland Security. <p>By diligence and patience, the mouse bit the cable in two, And now I can't watch CSI, or how Emeril cooks a stew. <p>Some men are wise, some are otherwise, but all my friends are wise guys. <p>Three politicians may keep a secret, providing two of them are dead and third one hasn't been offered a million dollar advance for their memoirs. <p>She that paints her face is thinking of her tail. <p>A poor man wants some things, a working man many things, Forbes' 400 all things. <p>He that lives upon Hope, spends a lot of time farting around. <p>God helps those who help themselves. For everyone else there's MasterCard. <p>Creditors have better memories than debtors. They also have better lawyers and big, hairy repo men. <p>Blame-all and Praise-all are both blockheads. <p>Most of history is written by men who weren't there, and wouldn't have recorded what really happened even if they had seen it with their own eyes. <p>No one ever lost sleep over somebody else's troubles. But almost everyone is willing to stay up all night celebrating someone else's success. <p>Check references carefully. A swindler will be happy to recommend his brother, the embezzler, for a job. <p>When my children have nothing to be upset about, they get upset about nothing. But, at least this keeps them busy for hours each day. <p>The more you have, the more you have to worry about. That's why Republicans are getting more worried every day. <p>The most valuable thing in the world cannot be bought at any mall or website: a true friend. <p>Narrow cut pants squeezed on a wide-body, Will soon make the tailor's seams look shoddy. <p>A man who believes his own lies has the makings of a career as a Fox News commentator. <p>It's often possible to win a race if you run by yourself. But it's unlikely you'll get much coverage on ESPN.

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