Poor Ray's Almanac

by Ray Lesser

Strange that a man who is witty enough to write satire would be foolish enough to publish it.- Ben Franklin The man who talks constantly says a lot of stupid things. But at least with the right calling plan he doesn't need to pay roaming charges. Only a fool would make their HMO the beneficiary of a life insurance policy. A rich miser, like a fat hog, never does public good till as dead as a log. (But since Congress repealed the estate tax, even their dying won't help the rest of us.) There are more great Souls who will never be famous than there are contestants on all the hit Reality TV shows combined. Eat to live, and not live to eat. Unless you're on a Michelin Guide tour of France. Beware of the young doctor and the old dentist. A blockhead with a Ph.D is still a blockhead. Distrust and Paranoia are the parents of Homeland Security. By diligence and patience, the mouse bit the cable in two, And now I can't watch CSI, or how Emeril cooks a stew. Some men are wise, some are otherwise, but all my friends are wise guys. Three politicians may keep a secret, providing two of them are dead and third one hasn't been offered a million dollar advance for their memoirs. She that paints her face is thinking of her tail. A poor man wants some things, a working man many things, Forbes' 400 all things. He that lives upon Hope, spends a lot of time farting around. God helps those who help themselves. For everyone else there's MasterCard. Creditors have better memories than debtors. They also have better lawyers and big, hairy repo men. Blame-all and Praise-all are both blockheads. Most of history is written by men who weren't there, and wouldn't have recorded what really happened even if they had seen it with their own eyes. No one ever lost sleep over somebody else's troubles. But almost everyone is willing to stay up all night celebrating someone else's success. Check references carefully. A swindler will be happy to recommend his brother, the embezzler, for a job. When my children have nothing to be upset about, they get upset about nothing. But, at least this keeps them busy for hours each day. The more you have, the more you have to worry about. That's why Republicans are getting more worried every day. The most valuable thing in the world cannot be bought at any mall or website: a true friend. Narrow cut pants squeezed on a wide-body, Will soon make the tailor's seams look shoddy. A man who believes his own lies has the makings of a career as a Fox News commentator. It's often possible to win a race if you run by yourself. But it's unlikely you'll get much coverage on ESPN.